Am I a S**t Feminist? | What's with the erratic outrage?
Am I a S**t Feminist? is a series of blogs where I write about my perception of equality. In the wrong context, my views could be misrepresented whereas in actual fact, I'm just trying to be representative of everyone. As with all my blogs, these are my opinions and where possible, I've tried to back up my writing with sources. I am always up for a constructive discussion and happy to hear people's opinions.
Yesterday, after Harvey Weinstein was convicted of rape and sexual assault in a New York courtroom, it seemed the world collectively rejoiced. With so many accusations from all corners of the film industry, and woman after woman corroborating Weinstein's monstrous demeanour, it really was a welcome, if not an unexpected outcome.
From the brave witnesses who testified against him, to the scores of women still trapped in abusive relationships all over the world, Weinstein's conviction has sent a very clear message: abuse will not be tolerated and men who forcefully wield power over others are no longer untouchable.
But what about female abusers? What message are we sending them, if any?
I do not want to detract anything away from females who are abused. It is clearly something that on the whole, women experience more than men. However, with only one in twenty men in abusive relationships seeking help, I feel men who are abused have a very unique set of factors to navigate through - and they deserve to be heard too.
In 2016, actress Amber Heard filed for divorce from Johnny Depp. She also placed a temporary restraining order on him, publicly casting a shadow on Depp's character and supposedly exposing him as a domestic abuser. However, if you have been following the story, the last few weeks have shown that it's becoming more and more apparent that Heard has been responsible for some pretty incendiary behaviour, gaslighting and physical violence. No-one is perfect, and no marriage is perfect either - but the amount of people who defended Depp at the time spoke real volumes about the weakness of the accusations, including his ex-wife Vanessa Paradis, who he was married to for over a decade.
Now that audio from a telephone conversation between the pair has all but proved that Heard herself is at best, complicit in the breakdown of their marriage, or at worst, an abuser, you would be forgiven for thinking that there will have been repercussions for her. However, as of present, she has been allowed to retain her film roles and sponsorship deals - able to go about her business and her life as if nothing happened.
Perhaps a lesser known story, but one that really stuck with me is one that arose around Katy Perry. Josh Kloss, an actor who starred with Katy Perry in her video for 'Teenage Dream', recounted in 2019 an incident that happened nine years previously:
“It was Johny Wujek’s birthday party at moonlight roller way. And when I saw her, we hugged and she was still my crush. But as I turned to introduce my friend, she pulled my Adidas sweats and underwear out as far as she could to show a couple of her guy friends and the crowd around us, my penis. Can you imagine how pathetic and embarrassed I felt?”
No big deal? Okay, do me a favour and read that back as if a similar scenario had happened to a woman. Still no big deal?
Katy Perry never responded to those claims and whilst I cannot cast judgement as to whether it happened or not, what it does suggest to me is that abuse against men is often ridiculed, belittled or swept under the carpet. Why? Because it almost seems to me that there is a belief that men 'can't' be abused.
All you need to do is take a look at our gender stereotypes to see why that belief pervades the fabric of our society. Men are strong. Men don't have emotions. Men just like to mess around. Men don't take things seriously. Men are powerful.
It's true - men can be all these things. But they can also simultaneously be sensitive, vulnerable, afraid or shy. We are so concerned at the moment to uplift women and prove to the world that we are more than just domesticated sheep. Women are independent, resourceful, confident, charming, witty and clever. But we seem to be forgetting that the role of men is changing too - they're not just the powerful, entitled, unfeeling husks we seem to think we are. And yet we still don't talk about it enough. Don't get me wrong, I think both sexes are at fault for continuing to entertain this caricature of the seminal male, but I truly think it's to our detriment.
A few months ago, I watched a harrowing documentary called 'Abused by my Girlfriend' and to say it was eye-opening would be an understatement. It follows the story of a man called Alex, who before our eyes deteriorates and becomes a shadow of his former self - all at the hands of someone who was the mother of his children and was supposed to love him.
The whole documentary offers a fascinating insight into abusive relationships, but the most compelling moment was when the police finally arrested his girlfriend (called Jordan), shown via their bodycam footage. The police officer explains that Jordan came across as a 'very slight, very well-spoken... very polite and to all intent and purposes, a friendly, well-meaning young lady'. When he tells her she is being arrested, it's obvious she is not taking it seriously, even suggesting that she may only be at the police station for just an hour. Meanwhile her boyfriend, who she had scalded, slashed, starved, stabbed and burned over a terrifying 9-month ordeal was having his horrific injuries assessed at hospital. Shockingly, a doctor told him that in his state, he was ten days away from death.
At the end of the documentary, the police officer explains that it was the worst domestic case of his career to date. However, because it had been a female offender, there had been missed opportunities because the penny didn't drop as quickly as it should have. And therein lies the crux of the problem, which I think is a combination of two things.
Firstly, despite high-profile cases over the years (e.g. Rosemary West or Myra Hindley) it still seems almost inconceivable that women are capable of things like cruelty, intimidation, manipulation, abuse or violence. In Heard's case, by positioning herself quickly as the victim, she managed to portray Depp as the instigator, harming his credibility whilst she has been able to continue pursuing her career with very little backlash.
And secondly, when women do perpetrate incidences of assault, humilation or abuse, it is not taken seriously, as seen with the Katy Perry incident, which was quickly consigned to the latter pages of a Google search.
To me, it seems that when it comes to calling out women (particularly when I myself am a female), we seem to run into this brick wall where to do so attacks or brings womankind down. And I truly believe that sometimes, we seem to be able to justify a woman's bad behaviour by using the sexism they have endured over the last number of decades as a shield against criticism. It's a perpetuating cycle of no accountability and I feel that if we don't start tackling this head-on and gain the confidence to question our actions, we could end up becoming the one thing we don't want to be: hypocrites.
Men... People like Weinstein and Jordan, who were both convicted of awful crimes, are odious, lecherous predators who deserve nothing less than to answer to the fullest extent of the law. All I ask in return, as I do with everything, is that we maintain consistency and fairness - and ensure we send a strong message to everyone, that no matter your gender, your social standing or your background - abuse will not be tolerated and people who forcefully wield power over others are not untouchable.
Katy Perry never responded to those claims and whilst I cannot cast judgement as to whether it happened or not, what it does suggest to me is that abuse against men is often ridiculed, belittled or swept under the carpet. Why? Because it almost seems to me that there is a belief that men 'can't' be abused.
All you need to do is take a look at our gender stereotypes to see why that belief pervades the fabric of our society. Men are strong. Men don't have emotions. Men just like to mess around. Men don't take things seriously. Men are powerful.
It's true - men can be all these things. But they can also simultaneously be sensitive, vulnerable, afraid or shy. We are so concerned at the moment to uplift women and prove to the world that we are more than just domesticated sheep. Women are independent, resourceful, confident, charming, witty and clever. But we seem to be forgetting that the role of men is changing too - they're not just the powerful, entitled, unfeeling husks we seem to think we are. And yet we still don't talk about it enough. Don't get me wrong, I think both sexes are at fault for continuing to entertain this caricature of the seminal male, but I truly think it's to our detriment.
A few months ago, I watched a harrowing documentary called 'Abused by my Girlfriend' and to say it was eye-opening would be an understatement. It follows the story of a man called Alex, who before our eyes deteriorates and becomes a shadow of his former self - all at the hands of someone who was the mother of his children and was supposed to love him.
The whole documentary offers a fascinating insight into abusive relationships, but the most compelling moment was when the police finally arrested his girlfriend (called Jordan), shown via their bodycam footage. The police officer explains that Jordan came across as a 'very slight, very well-spoken... very polite and to all intent and purposes, a friendly, well-meaning young lady'. When he tells her she is being arrested, it's obvious she is not taking it seriously, even suggesting that she may only be at the police station for just an hour. Meanwhile her boyfriend, who she had scalded, slashed, starved, stabbed and burned over a terrifying 9-month ordeal was having his horrific injuries assessed at hospital. Shockingly, a doctor told him that in his state, he was ten days away from death.
At the end of the documentary, the police officer explains that it was the worst domestic case of his career to date. However, because it had been a female offender, there had been missed opportunities because the penny didn't drop as quickly as it should have. And therein lies the crux of the problem, which I think is a combination of two things.
Firstly, despite high-profile cases over the years (e.g. Rosemary West or Myra Hindley) it still seems almost inconceivable that women are capable of things like cruelty, intimidation, manipulation, abuse or violence. In Heard's case, by positioning herself quickly as the victim, she managed to portray Depp as the instigator, harming his credibility whilst she has been able to continue pursuing her career with very little backlash.
And secondly, when women do perpetrate incidences of assault, humilation or abuse, it is not taken seriously, as seen with the Katy Perry incident, which was quickly consigned to the latter pages of a Google search.
To me, it seems that when it comes to calling out women (particularly when I myself am a female), we seem to run into this brick wall where to do so attacks or brings womankind down. And I truly believe that sometimes, we seem to be able to justify a woman's bad behaviour by using the sexism they have endured over the last number of decades as a shield against criticism. It's a perpetuating cycle of no accountability and I feel that if we don't start tackling this head-on and gain the confidence to question our actions, we could end up becoming the one thing we don't want to be: hypocrites.
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