The Seven Deadly Sins of Dating Profiles

As a single individual, I have developed many, many skills over the years - mainly perfecting the art of taking cute pictures of my cat, and gaining an incredibly jacked-up thumb from excessive swiping on dating apps.

Now, I'm sure it hasn't escaped your notice that I'm hardly Casanova, rather a more Miss Havisham-type character (although without the rotting cake as that doesn't tend to last long around me). However, having been on dating apps on and off for a number of years, over time you do tend to notice certain off-putting patterns of behaviour.

Goals.

I'm a straight woman, so I can only really go on my experience of looking for men on dating profiles, and I'm sure girls offend just as much as anyone (Snapchat filter central, one would imagine). And I'm probably far from perfect myself - after all, attraction is entirely subjective. However, I feel it is my civic duty to share some thoughts based on profiles that I have seen over the years, and politely point out where they may be going wrong. And whilst some of these are aimed at men, there are lessons for everyone to take away here.

Without further ado, here are the seven deadly sins of dating profiles, as judged by me (a completely unqualified individual):

1. Excessive Use of Group Photos 

Lads, lads, lads.

The last thing I want to do when I look at a new profile on a dating site is having to go all 'Miss Marple' and whip out my magnifying glass to find out exactly whose profile I'm viewing. This is a common occurrence and I do eventually get bored trying to figure it out. Stand out from the crowd - it's nice your bros have your back but there's no need to go all Siamese twin on me (especially when you're all in chinos and have the exact same fade).

2. Using FaceTune

"I can't feel my face when I 'tune', but I love it."

This is one for the guys I'm afraid. In the spirit of fairness, I'm going to be upfront with you all - I have definitely used FaceTune to eradicate a humongous spot on my face from existence (maybe a filter too, I paid £4.99 for that app after all). But guys using FaceTune...it's a strong no from me. Women are bad at relying on filters, granted - but no man should have comically large eyes or baby smooth skin. Women are called the fairer sex for a reason. Just don't, that is all.

3. Including Pictures of Children in Profiles

Look at me holding a baby in my arms, give me a medal.

I see what you're trying to do - you're trying to appeal to my ovaries.

"Aww, he is sooo sensitive and good with children, squeeeeeeeeee".

Nice try but actually, I don't how anyone else feels but it makes me deeply uncomfortable seeing pictures of children on dating apps. I mean people, take Tinder for example - primarily a hook-up app - it is hardly the correct platform to show off your nieces and nephews. Unless it's your actual kid, don't put photos up of you with other people's children. Also, if you absolutely have to put a picture up of your child - obscure their identity! We're living in a post-GDPR world folks, and if there's one thing about the internet, it's that there are some sinister AF weirdos about.

4. No bio, no swipe.

An International Man of Mystery, you are not.

Self-explanatory. Don't get me wrong, I'm not looking for 'War and Peace' or 'This is your Life' (if anything, you'll get that from me). However, would one or two sentences about you be too much to ask for? As someone who very much likes to get a feel for someone's personality, this is a no brainer for me. Even if you put something like 'I take a while to get to know people', I'll probably find that endearing AF and swipe.

5. No picture, also no swipe.

*Silence*

Dating profiles are many things but they should not be a game of 'Guess Who'. I understand people not wanting to be judged by their looks... but unfortunately, that's the game you need to play. I don't know why anyone would swipe on a profile that has no information or picture. As I said before, attraction is subjective - one person's ogre might be another's Princess Fiona. Don't hide behind an avatar. Also, people who don't put their age - certainly not a deal-breaker but I will automatically assume you have something to hide.

6. Showing pictures of dogs when you don't own one

Barking up the wrong tree.

This is nothing short of entrapment to be honest and loads of people are guilty of this behaviour. You see a person hanging with an awesome doggo, a real 10/10 (would pat) and it's only after you mindlessly swipe for the pupper that you realise the individual is a fraud, luring you in under false, fluffy pretenses. Don't phunk with my heart - if you don't have a dog, be upfront about it (I will fall for the puppy dog eyes every time).

7. Sending Unsolicited Dick Pics

No-one wants eggplant on their face.

Last but certainly not least, one for the lads again. I'm preaching to the choir, but if I don't know you, I don't want to see your penis. Simple as that. It's the worst thing when you're getting to know someone, the chat is flowing nicely and BANG, literal moussaka in your face. Contrary to common belief, an unsolicited picture of a stranger's wang is the biggest turn-off ever and will literally make me want to block you from life, as well as rinse my eyes with Zoflora (twilight garden, by the way). Plus, sending unwarranted images could soon become a crime so don't do it (because let's be honest, it is not exactly the most aesthetically pleasing of sights anyway).

And that's the seven deadly sins of dating profiles. I would LOVE to know if you agree, disagree or have even more anecdotes to share. I would also love to know if men have any particular issues with female profiles too (just so I can up my game, you know) ...